It’s a two-for-one special today; we’re serving up a full plate of classic dumbassness with some Aurora on the side. Make sure those jeans are unbuttoned, baby, you’re gonna need the extra room.
- Donald Trump took a recent trip over to Fox news to say that he thought the way President Obama was running the country was “stupid”. Funny, that’s exactly what I thought when you and the other apeshit Birthers were chasing your Kenyan Muslim Socialist conspiracy theories. Don’t you have anything better to do? (work on your comb over technique? Do another season of the Washed Up Celebrities Pretending to Be Business People show? )
- You knew it was coming: Romney’s “black” ad. It pivots between his speech at the NAACP annual convention (sans boos, of course), and random black people speaking directly into the camera about how much we need Mitt Romney as a President. Considering how his African-American vote hovers somewhere around 5%, I think the most pertinent issue here is finding out how much he paid black people to do a Mitt Romeny ad. I think the second most pertinent issue is fixing an economy that’s so bad, black people are actually willing to do a Mitt Romney ad.
- Two University studies revealed that NBC was not only more likely to devote more hours of coverage to mens’ sports in the Olympics, but more likely to cover womens’ sports that are “traditionally feminine”. Hint: Anything that involves stretching, bending, and running in minimal clothing.
- Antoine Dodson wants you to know that even though he’s gay, he fully intends to keep giving his money to Chick-Fil-A because they have “bangin’ waffle fries.” But don’t get your knickers in a wedgie. This is a dude who makes his living by being an idiot, he’s just putting in some overtime.
- Florida Lt.Governer (and Romney surrogate) Jennifer Carroll is already apologizing. To fend off allegations of a lesbian affair, she decided to avert the claims with the comment: “usually black women that look like me don’t engage in relationships like that.” Fun fact, Caroll: trying to use your heteronormative femininity to prove your “straightness” is just a diplomatic version of “no homo.” Go sit down somewhere.
AURORA RELATED DUMBASSNESS
- Dane Cook has gone from making bad jokes in general to making bad jokes about Aurora. He must go to the same secret Douchebag Comedian Convention as Tosh, and brainstorm on ways to make unfunny, offensive statements look like controversial comedy. “Look at me, I’m Dane Cook! I’m so clever I can find humor in a recent tragedy!” Actually, you can’t. You steal jokes from Louis C.K and your shirts are too small. Fail.
- An Idaho Billboard likens the Aurora shooter to President Obama by comparing the killing of 12 people to “killing thousands with foreign policy.” You gotta see this shit for yourself.
- Evangelist Jerry Newcombe thinks the Aurora shootings happened because America has lost its fear of God and now “we’re reaping what we’ve been sowing as a society.” So the semi-automatic rifle and the 6,000 rounds of ammunition totally had nothing to do with it! It was the Zealous, Wrathful Guy Upstairs trying to teach us a lesson all along! Thanks for clearing that up, Newcombe.
- A special recognition of dumbassness goes out to each and every media outlet running articles centered around the personal life of the Aurora shooter. Like the one in which his former teacher remembers him as “brilliant” student, and a “shy, polite” loner. or the one that described him as a “clean-cut, studious young man of sparing words.” Thanks for glorifying, humanizing, and giving attention to the lowest of life forms with your sensationalist garbage. I hope the ratings are worth it.